Vampire Jokes
Freaks has three books in one cover. One of the books included is Wally the Undead about a young vampire who acts in a very unvampire way. For starters, he becomes vegetarian. It’s a funny story and got me enjoying vampire jokes. They’re fangtastic!
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.
What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep?
He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank.
What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
Turn on the dark. I'm afraid of the light!
What do romantic vampires do?
Neck.
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.
What type of dog do vampires like the best?
Bloodhounds.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
At the casketeria.
What song does Dracula hate?
'You Are My Sunshine'.
What kind of ship does Dracula own?
Blood vessel.
What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
"Hello, pleased to eat you!"
Why did Dracula go to jail?
Because he robbed the blood bank.
Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.
Why doesn't anyone like Count Dracula?
He's a pain in the neck.
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
Because he likes to draw blood.
Whom did Dracula take out on a date?
His ghoul friend.
What is the best way to talk to Count Dracula?
Long distance.
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door.
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.
Was Dracula ever married?
No he's a bat-chelor.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
Why did the teacher send Dracula jr. home?
Because he was coffin too much.
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops.
What did the teacher say to Dracula after he failed his math test?
'Can't you count Dracula?'
What is Count Dracula's favourite snack?
A fangfurter.
How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite-sized pieces!
Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was in his blood.
What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail?
I don't know, but it would slow him down.
Why did the vampire go to hospital?
He wanted his ghoulstones removed.
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
Ghouldfinger.
What happened at the vampires' race?
It finished neck and neck.
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
'Auld Fang Syne'
If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do?
Join his fang club.
Why are vampire families so close?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Which vampire ate the three bears' porridge?
Gouldilocks.
What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite?
Veinilla.
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin?
It wanted to play squash.
What's a vampire's favourite animal?
A giraffe.
What's Dracula's favourite coffee?
Decoffinated.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A bite in shining armour.
What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist?
Fangs very much.
What's Dracula's favourite soup?
Scream of tomato.
What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
What's a vampire's favourite dance?
The vaults.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They all come out at night.
What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
Spatula.
Why did the vampire give up acting?
Because he couldn't find a part he could sink his teeth into.
What do you call a fat vampire slayer?
Puffy!
When do vampires bite you?
On wincedays.
Banana Jokes
Cool Bananas is about a girl called Claudia who visits her Grandpa for the first time, expecting an old man with a walking cane who smells like cabbage. But Grandpa is an embarrassing surprise! How will Claudia survive the holiday? And will Grandpa discover her secret?
Cool Bananas is a funny expression. And it got me thinking about laughing and bananas. Not that I laugh every time I see a banana. But there are some funny banana jokes around. And because I like bananas and jokes, I've put some here so you can smile too.
Why couldn't the police arrest the banana?
Because he split.
Why don't bananas like getting suburnt?
They peel.
What is the name of the world's greatest banana soccer player?
Peele.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's a monster.
What would you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside?
A banana dressed up as a cucumber
What is long and yellow and always points north?
A magnetic banana.
What did the banana say to the elephant?
Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
Why didn't the little banana go to school?
He didn't peel well.
How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What's yellow and flashes?
A banana with a loose connection.
What key do you use to open a banana?
A monkey.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock knock. Who's there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock knock. Who's there?
Banana. Banana who?
Knock knock. Who's there?
Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again!
There's a banana in your ear
What?
THERE'S A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!
WHAT?
THERE'S A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!
I can't hear you, there's a banana in my ear!
A man goes to the doctor and he has a banana sticking out of each ear and corn in his nose. He says, "Doc, I don't feel well." The doctor replies "Well, you're not eating right"!
Elephant Jokes
The book is dedicated to an elderly couple I knew who collected 300 elephant statues and carvings from all around the world.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because he was handcuffed to the chicken.
Why did the elephant wear green tennis shoes?
His white ones were in the wash.
What do an elephant and a plum have in common?
They are both purple, except for the elephant.
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants?
'Look, here come the plums.' (she was colour blind)
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Ever tried ironing one?
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.
What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing. Peanuts can't talk.
How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
Nothing. He didn't recognise them because they were wearing sunglasses.
Knock Knock Jokes
There are thousands of Knock Knock jokes. Here are just a few that make me smile:
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Frank Frank who?
Frankenstein!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Ivana Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
No, no, don't cry! I was just kidding.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jess!
Jess who?
I give up, who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Malcolm!
Malcolm who?
Malcolm you didn't do your homework!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arch!
Arch who?
You catching a cold?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Martha!
Martha who?
Martha them up to the top of the hill and then marched them down again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isabella
Isabella who?
Isabella necessary on a bike?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alvin!
Alvin who!
Alvin a great time, how about you?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amahl!
Amahl who?
Amahl shook up!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jaws!
Jaws who?
Jaws truly!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jean!
Jean who?
Jeanius - you just don't recognise it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quacker!
Quacker who?
Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Leaf.
Leaf Who?
Leaf me alone.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Anudder
Anudder who?
Anudder mosquito.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Utah.
Utah who?
U tal-king to me?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Are you an owl?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Goat
Goat Who?
Goat to the door and find out.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all folks!
